Training Day 91 - Good Bye

Language: I studied a lot today. I pounded in all of my military vocabulary and tomorrow's vocabulary as well as worked on my homework. It still wasn't as much as I wanted to study but... Things happen.

Apartment: I met with my possibly future landlord today (who is a paramedic captain). I am one of the top four applicants for the apartment. He explained to me that the rent is so low and it's month-to-month because some repair work needs to be done and it may happen that, at some point in the future, I will suddenly receive my 60 days notice to move out. I'd much rather stay during the repairs but we'll see what happens. He took my $15 for the credit check and told me that he'd get back to me on Tuesday at the latest. Well... My credit is less than a year old and my accounts are nearly maxed due to car repairs so it isn't great but I've never been late on a payment so it isn't bad either. We'll see what happens.

Personal: So I finally watched Code 46 like my class leader had told us all to. It's an... interesting film. It wasn't what I expected it to be based on what he told me or where it was filed (under action but it is not an action film). I guess I would have to say that the most interesting part of the film was the whole idea behind the futuristic society where that much of a person's personal life is controlled by some faceless entity. That and the ramifications of genetic manipulation, reproduction, and the like.

I also folded a fair bit of origami today. It's part of my trifecta of paper-related hobbies. I discovered that paper is a lot easier to work with than dollar bills as it holds creases much better and is more flexible. I've even managed to make models that will stand up on their own and I like how these models use common bases so that, once I memorize how to make the bases, I can branch out into other models without instructions. It's a nice, relaxing way to keep my hands busy... but between all the origami, the typing, and the writing today my right wrist is annoyed. Aleve isn't helping.

With all this happening, I still managed to slip into a few bad habits of mine.

Then for the title of this post...

I hate "good bye." I never use it because it's so final. It signifies the end of something. Yet I've had to use it twice in the past two days. But I am tired. I am tired of just rolling over and letting people walk all over me. I'm tired of nobody investing in me the same amount of care and time that I invest in them. I'm tired of giving up everything I have to help people then, when I stand up for myself, being branded as the villain. I am tired of being lied to. I am tired of hypocrisy. I am tired of double-standards. I am tired of the fantasy world that children live in where everything is okay and no one has to take responsibility for their actions. I am tired of being wrong for trying to do what is right. I am tired of being treated like dirt until someone wants something.

You would think that saying "good bye" to all that would be a relief. But I feel tired. And old... Much older than my body would indicate. And I feel like something that could have been beautiful died (though a lot of people I trust tell me it wasn't). And, while I had done everything I could do besides utterly surrender my identity, I feel somewhat responsible.

It was made harder because for a moment there it looked like that wonderful thing was still there.