Breaking These Chains and Turning in the Cape

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Language: I spent the first half of my day filling out a really long survey. I spent the second half muddling my way through authentic materials and studying really advanced homework. Then I had to translate another newspaper article upon coming home. Ugh.... I have three more days of authentic materials. This evening I stopped by my local taekwondo academy... I spoke very broken Korean with the instructor's very broken English. In general I have a good feeling about the place and start lesson stomorrow. At the very least, I should get some good language practice out of it. As I was the only white guy there, I should get some good cultural experience too.

Apartment: They fixed my dryers today!

Fitness: I took my fireteam for a run this morning... and Huey was suffering. It was a bit of a surprise and he wasn't well hydrated but I told them all that we are going to do this more often so hopefully he will be better prepared next time. I must say... It was nice to actually smoke my fireteam. It's been a little while. The run was a cinch for me.

Combat: Taekwondo, right? Here's hoping it's worth it. Unfortunately, I'll have to do the 1700 class... That's tight for my time and it also means I need to find another time to do my SCARS training (which I haven't started as life's been crazy and I have to put the curriculum together). Hrm.

Personal: The Freemasons vote on my application tonight! It's also finally been a year since I started my credit history and I'm able to graduate a couple of my accounts. That's a good chunk of money freed up. In other news...

Last night some things were really bugging me about the Momrine and mine relationship, right? Well... Apparently my subconscious was mulling over it all night as I woke up this morning with a decision. I formulated the rest of the plan throughout the morning and acted upon it this afternoon right after formation. It took all of two minutes:

"I'm here (in person) as a courtesy as you extended that same courtesy to me. I'm done. I have the feeling that if I stick around much longer I'm going down so I'm done."

Yes, done. So her husband, mom, and whoever else are reading this blog because of her can stop now. Over the past couple weeks I've been able to look at the Momrine without the rose-colored glasses and a lot of things came to light... If not for my Captain Save-a-Ho syndrome and her extenuating circumstances, I wouldn't have been the least bit interested in her. If I wasn't so busy looking for something that wasn't there, I would have avoided a whole lot of heartache.

I realized that I never loved her. Not her. I loved a vision in my head of what she might have been... Of what I was looking for in a lady. And I pasted that image over the reality of a selfish, little girl. A girl who just because she's birthed a child of her own thinks she is an adult (and woe unto anyone who tells her otherwise) but is far from that level of maturity.

I realized that she used me. She used the Hooah. She used her husband and now she's using her latest boy toy. She'll continue using everyone she comes into contact without and going to great lengths to convince herself that it's okay... She'd use me up and throw me away an empty, broken husk if I allowed her to. I don't.

I realized that she just isn't the kind of person I consider a friend. I'm not friends with children. I'm not friends with users and manipulators. All of the little things she's done and said in the past that bugged me finally came together into a flashing red WARNING sign. Participating in a riot and fondly reminiscing on it... Past relationships... The crazy things she'd be proud of doing... Dodging her responsibilities... All the things that I overlooked while I had my glasses on.

Her pointless struggle against the unit? Just because she doesn't want to be wrong? That's a short road to self-destruction... I'm not following her there. She's already started wishing for a time machine to go back in time to before the Corps. I can't stand that. Why waste your time wishing for the past? You're here now so do something about it. Now.

I'm breaking these chains... I realized the only thing that was still binding me to her was my personal sense of honor. I felt that "abandoning" her would be betrayal. Then I realized that she's never cared a whit for my honor and that through my relationship with her I have dirtied myself. My honor is stained and I do not know how to atone. I do know, however, that she doesn't care. If she doesn't care about my honor, why should it bind me to her and allow her to do further damage?

I'm turning in my cape... No more Captain Save-a-Ho. My brother asked to be my side-kick but he can fly solo... Or, hopefully, he'll learn this lesson quicker than I did. It's time to move forward.

I need a lady who will share my experiences with me. Someone who is strong. We should be greater than the sum of our parts together. I need someone better... Not "better for me." Just flat out better: Stronger. Smarter. More determined. More mature. With hopes and dreams worth sharing and pursueing.

What I don't need is a child dragging me back down into the muck I've fought so long and hard to get out of. That's my bit of selfishness and, considering just how quickly the Momrine let her new toy move into her home and into her rack, I don't feel bad in the least. She seemed to be in a rush to get rid of me even tonight.