"Captain Save-A-Ho"

Language: I assigned myself too much homework... and I wasted a couple hours today. Blech. Anyways, I was up late to do my laundry so I did get the worst of my homework done but I have to get my extra homework done tomorrow morning before class. I hate rushing it like this. Tonight wasn't all bad, thankfully. I did go out to a Korean restaurant right across from my street. So very, very tasty... I could immediately tell it was going to be good thanks to all the locals Koreans patronizing the place.

Fitness: Oh man. Corporal smoked my squad on a circuit course today followed by some 10-count body builders. I can tell it was good PT as my muscles actually started failing and moving my arms hurts a bit.

Apartment: My bookshelf arrived today... but without the dowels to put it all together. I was too busy to assemble it anyways so that's not really a problem. Then there are only two working dryers on my complex so I had to stay up late to get my uniforms dry for tomorrow.

Personal: Today was a day of unpleasant realities and growing pains. I ran into one of the girls I dated previously just to find out that she got married to the boy toy (per the guy's teachers) she met just a couple weeks after our situation dissolved. She got married six months ago so they had a very short courtship. I'm not pining after her. It's just the disturbing and growing trend for girls to to tell me something isn't okay with me but then they run off and do that exact thing and more with whoever is after me. It's as if I'm sort of expendable catalyst for relationships and I resent it.

While working out this line of thought I also realized that every nearly girl I've dated has been... Well. In far less than optimal conditions. Ranging from having recently suffered a severely traumatic experience to already involved in a really messy relationship. Now, I have plenty of my own nonsense to work through but, especially after looking back and seeing that I wouldn't have been interested or pursued those people if not for those negative circumstances, I have to wonder what that says about me. A few people have offered explanations including "empathy," "being a nice guy," and "growing up." Amusingly enough, those same things explain why girls find it so easy to use me.

Two of these same people (my uncle and father) have also said that I suffer from a bad case of "Captain-Save-A-Ho Syndrome." I hear this after each girl.

Fortunately, it is treatable. All I have to do is stop looking. Just stop looking and I'll stop paying attention to and pursuing these girls. I know it's true because I tell myself the same thing every day but it's been harder trying to get my subconscious to comply so I may have to break out my barnyard reprogramming again (I say "quack!" aloud or some other animal sound every time the offending thought pops up into my head until I find the very idea hilarious and, as my father said, "scratch the record" responsible for repeating that thought in my subconscious). If I'm not looking around and thinking that I'm supposed to find a girl I'll be free to focus on improving myself.

Then I'll be happy. I'll be happy with myself and with where I'll be going and I'll be sorting through and repairing my damage instead of burning resources on trying to fix other people who often don't want to fix themselves. Then one day, while I'm minding my own business and keeping busy, someone wonderful will sneak into my life. Someone who is also taking care of her own life and tries to work through and deal with her damage instead of succumb to it. At some point we'll both look up from our work, realize the other person is there, and say, "Hey... You seem pretty cool. Where did you come from? Want to hang out?"

Hrm. That's not unpleasant at all. Two people who have already worked through their own nonsense and have been getting their in dependant lives in order realizing that together they can accomplish much more. And the company is good too.