Language: I had speaking practice today and I recorded a solid 33 minutes of conversation for my mentor to critique. We talked a little more than that too. Then I did my homework for the weekend.
Military: Ran a PFT today. I scored 20 pull-ups, 100 crunches, and a 21:27 run for a grand score of 279/300. That's a more than decent score. Now I just need to work on my pacing for the three-mile and solidify my crunches so that it's never a "maybe" for me if I get them. A lot of it was mental. My SSgt was there and we briefly discussed my extending my contract (he said to mention it when it came time to put in my dream sheet when I graduate) and long distance running.
When I'm not broke I need to purchase a Garmin Forerunner (what he has). Besides the heart monitor it also uses a GPS to check my pace and my distance so that when I run I can just focus on the exploring and having fun instead of trying to stick to inaccurate routes or something.
Personal: Things are still kind of chaotic over here... And I've done a lot of thinking today. I know it's a recurring activity but I figure something out each time I do.
I feel like everything is hollow right now. It's without substance. It's all training for the main event. Now... I train hard because, when that main event comes, I want to be ready. I don't want to fail. I want to be worthy. I guess it's a similar sensation to what athletes get for their practice sessions as opposed to a championship game. Or infantrymen for combat drills as opposed to actual combat. We all train hard and pour our heart into what we do and even enjoy it... But it just doesn't stack up to the real thing.
There's a couple other things... But I am going to focus on my training. On moving forward.
I will be ready. I will be worthy.
21 April 2007
20 April 2007
Training Day 96 - Suribachi Ball
Language: Another rather boring day... Except that I received the feedback from my second round of independent homework. Wow. She thinks that I'm already doing a lot better and that she can tell that I am really motivated in class and with my homework. Madness! But of a sort that I can get used to. Hopefully this will be a good, productive weekend to prove her right.
Military: Today my platoon tested out a new game called "Suribachi Ball" for our platoon commander before we unleash it upon the detachment next week for det PT. Unfortunately, I didn't get to play today because of the PFT and I won't get to play next Friday because of the marathon. However, I am hoping that this game will replace trashball so there will be many chances to play it.
I won't go into details here as the game is still hush-hush... But let's just say that it's tiring, easy to play, a lot of fun, prone to some really amusing hijinks, and doesn't involve the insane risk of injury or the jerks who promote that sort of thing that trashball does. I'm all for a bit of the rough and tumble (and there is certainly some of that in Suribachi ball) but I think it's retarded to break Marines playing a game. I also dislike the morons who think that sort of thing is cool.
I also like how when my platoon calls cadence it echoes.
Apartment: I stopped by the office at lunch and submitted an application for that apartment. The Hooah's impression of the place had a lot to do with it. The lady said that she'll get back to me on Monday and as this is a local powerhouse of a company, I believe her. Then I give her a $200 holding deposit, talk to the relief society and/or admin, eat Ramen for a couple days, get my loan/advance, pay the security deposit, move in, and start living! While the town is a bit of a drive I've figured out a daily schedule that makes it bearable. There is also a strong target language presence in that town with a number of churches, markets, restaurants, and organizations all present for me to harass for speaking practice. I am going to make the most of this.
It was pretty funny when the landlady asked me if my girlfriend was moving in with me. The Hooah and I both laughed at that one.
Metaphysics: Any suggestions on a good pet for promoting energy in a house and that would bond well with me? The landlady already said fish were okay and maybe a bird. I've also considered gerbils and snakes. Right now I am leaning towards a garter snake but my knowledge is limited.
Medical: Still sick... Ugh. couldn't find a glass for my airborne today so I just took a mouthful of water and popped the Airborne into my mouth. The fizz was a little hard to manage but I pulled it off. Heh... I remember a time not too long ago when I would never have considered that, much less tried it. I love being a Marine. It's re-wired my brain in some wonderful ways where I'm more willing to do things to get stuff done than sweat the details.
Personal: Hrm... Things are shifting. I can't wait for this weekend to really kick off. I'm a little nervous about tomorrow's PFT but I know that if I approach it with the right mindset I'll pull it off. It'll be a gut check. I kind of like those.
Military: Today my platoon tested out a new game called "Suribachi Ball" for our platoon commander before we unleash it upon the detachment next week for det PT. Unfortunately, I didn't get to play today because of the PFT and I won't get to play next Friday because of the marathon. However, I am hoping that this game will replace trashball so there will be many chances to play it.
I won't go into details here as the game is still hush-hush... But let's just say that it's tiring, easy to play, a lot of fun, prone to some really amusing hijinks, and doesn't involve the insane risk of injury or the jerks who promote that sort of thing that trashball does. I'm all for a bit of the rough and tumble (and there is certainly some of that in Suribachi ball) but I think it's retarded to break Marines playing a game. I also dislike the morons who think that sort of thing is cool.
I also like how when my platoon calls cadence it echoes.
Apartment: I stopped by the office at lunch and submitted an application for that apartment. The Hooah's impression of the place had a lot to do with it. The lady said that she'll get back to me on Monday and as this is a local powerhouse of a company, I believe her. Then I give her a $200 holding deposit, talk to the relief society and/or admin, eat Ramen for a couple days, get my loan/advance, pay the security deposit, move in, and start living! While the town is a bit of a drive I've figured out a daily schedule that makes it bearable. There is also a strong target language presence in that town with a number of churches, markets, restaurants, and organizations all present for me to harass for speaking practice. I am going to make the most of this.
It was pretty funny when the landlady asked me if my girlfriend was moving in with me. The Hooah and I both laughed at that one.
Metaphysics: Any suggestions on a good pet for promoting energy in a house and that would bond well with me? The landlady already said fish were okay and maybe a bird. I've also considered gerbils and snakes. Right now I am leaning towards a garter snake but my knowledge is limited.
Medical: Still sick... Ugh. couldn't find a glass for my airborne today so I just took a mouthful of water and popped the Airborne into my mouth. The fizz was a little hard to manage but I pulled it off. Heh... I remember a time not too long ago when I would never have considered that, much less tried it. I love being a Marine. It's re-wired my brain in some wonderful ways where I'm more willing to do things to get stuff done than sweat the details.
Personal: Hrm... Things are shifting. I can't wait for this weekend to really kick off. I'm a little nervous about tomorrow's PFT but I know that if I approach it with the right mindset I'll pull it off. It'll be a gut check. I kind of like those.
Training Day 95 - Camarones a la Diabla
Language: Today's vocab quiz also sucked. I've been hurting for time lately so I haven't been studying as much as I used to. I still passed but there's a difference between a low B and the high A I normally get. Fortunately, these quizzes aren't official grades anyways but are for personal reference. I also received the feedback on my independent homework that I turned into my mentor. I thought I did a shoddy, rushed job on it... but she seemed impressed. Nice. Now I have to wonder what she'll think when I turn in something up to my standards.
Military: The PFT I had scheduled in June was moved up to this Saturday because one Marine couldn't leave well enough alone. Even while I was trying to fix it he was running around making a mess of things. Then, when I expressed my concern to my friends about my run time, as I've been training for long and slow instead of short and fast, he was condescending towards me because of my run times. The rest of my Marines are generally good guys and all the other marathon runners have been supportive of just trying to run a marathon but I guess there will also be the one prick to try and foul your day.
Apartment: I took the Hooah with me to look at apartments today. After talking it over with some NCOs I expanded my apartment search into a town 20 minutes out where the prices drop substantially. For $850/month I can get a decent apartment. I met the landlord for one apartment and she showed me a unit that, despite being a mess because of the last tenant, was still in good shape. I think they had just repainted and installed new carpets too. The unit is also a corner unit facing the sunrise so the natural lighting is good, the neighbors are friendly, the landlord is friendly, there is a covered carport with storage, and we both just had a good vibe of the place. The second unit we tried to look at felt cramped and "squirmy" as the Hooah put it just from the parking lot. We'll see what happens.
Medical: I'm sick. All because this nasty sailor in my class doesn't know how to cover her mouth. So now my left nostril is plugged, I have a headache, I'm choking on my own tonsils, and it's difficult to sleep. Right before my PFT. Time to hit it with the old one-two of intolerably spicy food and enough vitamin C to make my urine neon.
Personal: For the intolerably spicy food the Hooah and I went to this little hole-in-the-wall Mexican restaurant before the apartment hunt. I was expecting a little taco shack from what the Gunny had told me. It was actually rather nice inside and quite tasty. It's nice to sit and eat with friends. It really is.
She tells me that my Spanish pronunciation (of menu items) really, really sucks.
Military: The PFT I had scheduled in June was moved up to this Saturday because one Marine couldn't leave well enough alone. Even while I was trying to fix it he was running around making a mess of things. Then, when I expressed my concern to my friends about my run time, as I've been training for long and slow instead of short and fast, he was condescending towards me because of my run times. The rest of my Marines are generally good guys and all the other marathon runners have been supportive of just trying to run a marathon but I guess there will also be the one prick to try and foul your day.
Apartment: I took the Hooah with me to look at apartments today. After talking it over with some NCOs I expanded my apartment search into a town 20 minutes out where the prices drop substantially. For $850/month I can get a decent apartment. I met the landlord for one apartment and she showed me a unit that, despite being a mess because of the last tenant, was still in good shape. I think they had just repainted and installed new carpets too. The unit is also a corner unit facing the sunrise so the natural lighting is good, the neighbors are friendly, the landlord is friendly, there is a covered carport with storage, and we both just had a good vibe of the place. The second unit we tried to look at felt cramped and "squirmy" as the Hooah put it just from the parking lot. We'll see what happens.
Medical: I'm sick. All because this nasty sailor in my class doesn't know how to cover her mouth. So now my left nostril is plugged, I have a headache, I'm choking on my own tonsils, and it's difficult to sleep. Right before my PFT. Time to hit it with the old one-two of intolerably spicy food and enough vitamin C to make my urine neon.
Personal: For the intolerably spicy food the Hooah and I went to this little hole-in-the-wall Mexican restaurant before the apartment hunt. I was expecting a little taco shack from what the Gunny had told me. It was actually rather nice inside and quite tasty. It's nice to sit and eat with friends. It really is.
She tells me that my Spanish pronunciation (of menu items) really, really sucks.
18 April 2007
Training Day 94 - The Silly Things I Do
Language: Nothing really spectacular today... Except for speaking practice with my new mentor. What a trip. It was, again, one of the more intense and enjoyable study sessions I've had. I can tell that she really cares about her students and wants us to do well. Besides the corrections she made she also commented how during one of my monologues she could really see that I was thinking in the target language instead of translating. It's encouraging for me to hear that.
Fitness: So I tried something new for PT today. We drove down to the fitness center, PTed there, showered, and came back... We had a better PT sessions and showers that actually worked in a decent amount of time. I just need to hash out the details over the coming days. In addition, one of my fire team members told me tonight how his abs still hurt from the workout we did. I take a measure of pride in that.
Apartment: The landlord never called. I called him. Then his brother told me that the apartment had been rented out. Thank you so much for telling me like you promised to.... So now I am back on the prowl having wasted a chunk of time and a bit of cash.
Personal: I did something today that most of the people who read this blog will probably decry as an act of folly. They are aware of the whole saga I've been going through lately and probably thought I was making real ground in dropping ballast and moving on with my life. The other day the person in question and myself spoke very briefly and ended it with her saying she wouldn't talk to me anymore. I didn't argue.
Then I checked her site on a whim and found that she felt abandoned by one of the two people she never thought would. Ugh. I am getting on with my life and that involves distancing myself from people who use me and/or hurt me... But, at the same time, I can't abandon people. It's not what I do. I can't even turn away from those perfect strangers you find on the street... the ones with a legitimate need... much less someone I know.
So I replied trying to establish that she was the one who closed the door between us, not me, and that I wouldn't lock it. However, I also tried to establish where I was coming from and what had been going on. I don't know. Maybe her feelings are legitimate. Maybe this is all a ploy to open me back up for more exploitation...
But I did say that I would be there and I don't go back on my promises.
I am still moving forward with my life. It my life and I will live it how I want to live it. Then it's up to other people to determine if they want to be a part of it.
Fitness: So I tried something new for PT today. We drove down to the fitness center, PTed there, showered, and came back... We had a better PT sessions and showers that actually worked in a decent amount of time. I just need to hash out the details over the coming days. In addition, one of my fire team members told me tonight how his abs still hurt from the workout we did. I take a measure of pride in that.
Apartment: The landlord never called. I called him. Then his brother told me that the apartment had been rented out. Thank you so much for telling me like you promised to.... So now I am back on the prowl having wasted a chunk of time and a bit of cash.
Personal: I did something today that most of the people who read this blog will probably decry as an act of folly. They are aware of the whole saga I've been going through lately and probably thought I was making real ground in dropping ballast and moving on with my life. The other day the person in question and myself spoke very briefly and ended it with her saying she wouldn't talk to me anymore. I didn't argue.
Then I checked her site on a whim and found that she felt abandoned by one of the two people she never thought would. Ugh. I am getting on with my life and that involves distancing myself from people who use me and/or hurt me... But, at the same time, I can't abandon people. It's not what I do. I can't even turn away from those perfect strangers you find on the street... the ones with a legitimate need... much less someone I know.
So I replied trying to establish that she was the one who closed the door between us, not me, and that I wouldn't lock it. However, I also tried to establish where I was coming from and what had been going on. I don't know. Maybe her feelings are legitimate. Maybe this is all a ploy to open me back up for more exploitation...
But I did say that I would be there and I don't go back on my promises.
I am still moving forward with my life. It my life and I will live it how I want to live it. Then it's up to other people to determine if they want to be a part of it.
17 April 2007
Training Day 93 - Nothing (?)
Language: I crashed today... Other than that, today was pretty uneventful except for the session with my new teaching mentor. Who is the new teacher that everyone seems to have a hard time with. I happen to like her. She's a great teacher and I get a lot out of her classes and our individual sessions. The individual homework I have for tonight is good too.
I also met with my speaking partner... I was late too. Ugh. It was a good session and I felt really confident rattling off some details of the apartment that I am hoping to get. She also wanted to talk about the VT shootings and we briefly discussed firearm possession. Firearms are banned where she is from. I'm a supporter of the right to bear arms. It was interesting.
But not as interesting as running into another Marine at the coffee shop who proceeded to lust over my speaking partner and I should do something I'm not going to do. Heh. Marines.
Apartment: So today was the day when the landlord was supposed to call me and let me know if I got the place. No word yet so I am going to call him tomorrow.
Fitness: PT was rather anticlimactic today...
Personal: Huh. Nothing happened today. It's kind of strange.
I also met with my speaking partner... I was late too. Ugh. It was a good session and I felt really confident rattling off some details of the apartment that I am hoping to get. She also wanted to talk about the VT shootings and we briefly discussed firearm possession. Firearms are banned where she is from. I'm a supporter of the right to bear arms. It was interesting.
But not as interesting as running into another Marine at the coffee shop who proceeded to lust over my speaking partner and I should do something I'm not going to do. Heh. Marines.
Apartment: So today was the day when the landlord was supposed to call me and let me know if I got the place. No word yet so I am going to call him tomorrow.
Fitness: PT was rather anticlimactic today...
Personal: Huh. Nothing happened today. It's kind of strange.
16 April 2007
Training Day 92 - Back to Work
Language: Today's vocab quiz was my worst one yet. I'm not sure why. It just didn't click this morning... But I redeemed myself with my military topics scores. I scored a 100 on my second test and I'm confident I destroyed the make-up quiz I had today. What more, I acquired five of the unit books I need to make the semester 3 vocab lists for BYKI and have a pretty good idea on how to get audio support. The project also went up another link on the chain of command and now there is talk about my receiving a commandant's coin or the like for my efforts. That should be a nice counter to the page 11 in my book for rolling back.
Military: Rumor has it I am in line to be a fire team leader...
Medical: I met with the podiatrist today. We both agreed that medical over-reacted in sending me to him. However, he did take care of my problems. What more, he's a marathon runner and a former soldier so we had a good conversation. It amazes me how open marathon runners are. This is the second total stranger asking me to call with any questions I have.
Personal: So... Some things clicked in my head today.
With everything I have gone through there is but one constant: My own burning desire to do better. The desire to better myself is one of the primary drives that gets me through the day and doing what it is I need to do. It has seen me through some pretty shaky times.
I realized that, with the end of this relationship, there is only one thing left to do: Charge forward. All that time, energy, and resources that I was pouring into a relationship that was ultimately going nowhere has been freed up to be reassigned where it matters. That is what I am going to do. I am going to work on myself. I'm already wiser for the experience... Now I can make sure that I am smarter, stronger, faster, more skilled... Every time a relationship ends, I am compelled to improve myself over who I was during the relationship. It all stacks too.
The other constant with my relationships is that each one is better than the ones before it. It's funny because during the relationship people tell me that I can find someone better but I don't believe them. Once the relationship is over, I can look back and say, "Yes. Definitely." This is the same. I've stopped caring about this past relationship and have started looking forward to the next one.
If I am a better person each time I go through this... If I meet and care for a better person (one day finding a true lady)... What is there to regret? Nothing. What is there to pine for? Nothing. At least, not in the past. And all I can do for the future is prepare for it, which is what I am doing. I will be worthy of my lady. I refuse to stagnate. I refuse to slide backward. It is time to move forward.
So... If I am a better person and if my lady is a better person than those I've left behind... Who loses here?
Certainly not me.
Military: Rumor has it I am in line to be a fire team leader...
Medical: I met with the podiatrist today. We both agreed that medical over-reacted in sending me to him. However, he did take care of my problems. What more, he's a marathon runner and a former soldier so we had a good conversation. It amazes me how open marathon runners are. This is the second total stranger asking me to call with any questions I have.
Personal: So... Some things clicked in my head today.
With everything I have gone through there is but one constant: My own burning desire to do better. The desire to better myself is one of the primary drives that gets me through the day and doing what it is I need to do. It has seen me through some pretty shaky times.
I realized that, with the end of this relationship, there is only one thing left to do: Charge forward. All that time, energy, and resources that I was pouring into a relationship that was ultimately going nowhere has been freed up to be reassigned where it matters. That is what I am going to do. I am going to work on myself. I'm already wiser for the experience... Now I can make sure that I am smarter, stronger, faster, more skilled... Every time a relationship ends, I am compelled to improve myself over who I was during the relationship. It all stacks too.
The other constant with my relationships is that each one is better than the ones before it. It's funny because during the relationship people tell me that I can find someone better but I don't believe them. Once the relationship is over, I can look back and say, "Yes. Definitely." This is the same. I've stopped caring about this past relationship and have started looking forward to the next one.
If I am a better person each time I go through this... If I meet and care for a better person (one day finding a true lady)... What is there to regret? Nothing. What is there to pine for? Nothing. At least, not in the past. And all I can do for the future is prepare for it, which is what I am doing. I will be worthy of my lady. I refuse to stagnate. I refuse to slide backward. It is time to move forward.
So... If I am a better person and if my lady is a better person than those I've left behind... Who loses here?
Certainly not me.
15 April 2007
Training Day 91 - Good Bye
Language: I studied a lot today. I pounded in all of my military vocabulary and tomorrow's vocabulary as well as worked on my homework. It still wasn't as much as I wanted to study but... Things happen.
Apartment: I met with my possibly future landlord today (who is a paramedic captain). I am one of the top four applicants for the apartment. He explained to me that the rent is so low and it's month-to-month because some repair work needs to be done and it may happen that, at some point in the future, I will suddenly receive my 60 days notice to move out. I'd much rather stay during the repairs but we'll see what happens. He took my $15 for the credit check and told me that he'd get back to me on Tuesday at the latest. Well... My credit is less than a year old and my accounts are nearly maxed due to car repairs so it isn't great but I've never been late on a payment so it isn't bad either. We'll see what happens.
Personal: So I finally watched Code 46 like my class leader had told us all to. It's an... interesting film. It wasn't what I expected it to be based on what he told me or where it was filed (under action but it is not an action film). I guess I would have to say that the most interesting part of the film was the whole idea behind the futuristic society where that much of a person's personal life is controlled by some faceless entity. That and the ramifications of genetic manipulation, reproduction, and the like.
I also folded a fair bit of origami today. It's part of my trifecta of paper-related hobbies. I discovered that paper is a lot easier to work with than dollar bills as it holds creases much better and is more flexible. I've even managed to make models that will stand up on their own and I like how these models use common bases so that, once I memorize how to make the bases, I can branch out into other models without instructions. It's a nice, relaxing way to keep my hands busy... but between all the origami, the typing, and the writing today my right wrist is annoyed. Aleve isn't helping.
With all this happening, I still managed to slip into a few bad habits of mine.
Then for the title of this post...
I hate "good bye." I never use it because it's so final. It signifies the end of something. Yet I've had to use it twice in the past two days. But I am tired. I am tired of just rolling over and letting people walk all over me. I'm tired of nobody investing in me the same amount of care and time that I invest in them. I'm tired of giving up everything I have to help people then, when I stand up for myself, being branded as the villain. I am tired of being lied to. I am tired of hypocrisy. I am tired of double-standards. I am tired of the fantasy world that children live in where everything is okay and no one has to take responsibility for their actions. I am tired of being wrong for trying to do what is right. I am tired of being treated like dirt until someone wants something.
You would think that saying "good bye" to all that would be a relief. But I feel tired. And old... Much older than my body would indicate. And I feel like something that could have been beautiful died (though a lot of people I trust tell me it wasn't). And, while I had done everything I could do besides utterly surrender my identity, I feel somewhat responsible.
It was made harder because for a moment there it looked like that wonderful thing was still there.
Apartment: I met with my possibly future landlord today (who is a paramedic captain). I am one of the top four applicants for the apartment. He explained to me that the rent is so low and it's month-to-month because some repair work needs to be done and it may happen that, at some point in the future, I will suddenly receive my 60 days notice to move out. I'd much rather stay during the repairs but we'll see what happens. He took my $15 for the credit check and told me that he'd get back to me on Tuesday at the latest. Well... My credit is less than a year old and my accounts are nearly maxed due to car repairs so it isn't great but I've never been late on a payment so it isn't bad either. We'll see what happens.
Personal: So I finally watched Code 46 like my class leader had told us all to. It's an... interesting film. It wasn't what I expected it to be based on what he told me or where it was filed (under action but it is not an action film). I guess I would have to say that the most interesting part of the film was the whole idea behind the futuristic society where that much of a person's personal life is controlled by some faceless entity. That and the ramifications of genetic manipulation, reproduction, and the like.
I also folded a fair bit of origami today. It's part of my trifecta of paper-related hobbies. I discovered that paper is a lot easier to work with than dollar bills as it holds creases much better and is more flexible. I've even managed to make models that will stand up on their own and I like how these models use common bases so that, once I memorize how to make the bases, I can branch out into other models without instructions. It's a nice, relaxing way to keep my hands busy... but between all the origami, the typing, and the writing today my right wrist is annoyed. Aleve isn't helping.
With all this happening, I still managed to slip into a few bad habits of mine.
Then for the title of this post...
I hate "good bye." I never use it because it's so final. It signifies the end of something. Yet I've had to use it twice in the past two days. But I am tired. I am tired of just rolling over and letting people walk all over me. I'm tired of nobody investing in me the same amount of care and time that I invest in them. I'm tired of giving up everything I have to help people then, when I stand up for myself, being branded as the villain. I am tired of being lied to. I am tired of hypocrisy. I am tired of double-standards. I am tired of the fantasy world that children live in where everything is okay and no one has to take responsibility for their actions. I am tired of being wrong for trying to do what is right. I am tired of being treated like dirt until someone wants something.
You would think that saying "good bye" to all that would be a relief. But I feel tired. And old... Much older than my body would indicate. And I feel like something that could have been beautiful died (though a lot of people I trust tell me it wasn't). And, while I had done everything I could do besides utterly surrender my identity, I feel somewhat responsible.
It was made harder because for a moment there it looked like that wonderful thing was still there.
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